OK so a quick disclaimer before I begin my post:  to the few men who find my blog humorous and like to “peek in” on conversations among moms, I support you and welcome you here. However, today I am requesting that my male readers (ahem, particularly my DAD) skip this one. I’m going to be talking about things that happen during and after pregnancy and well, let’s face it – there are just SOME things that we don’t want our fathers privy to…I would rather  instead that he protect the image seared in his mind of me as a four year old little girl. So Dad, you and I can part ways here. :)

For the rest of you, I just want to talk a bit today about what the HECK happens to your body after pregnancy. Did anyone tell you things could go so terribly wrong??? I mean, sure, we all knew about the stretch marks or additional baby weight…or for some of us, the “mom pooch” that never goes way. BUT…have you guys discovered yet for yourselves all of the weird and heinous things that happen that NO ONE ever talks about?? There must be some sort of secret pact that prevents women from just coming out with this information in public because I was CERTAINLY never informed!!!

I have friends who have grown hair in weird places (where there was no hair before), friends whose feet grew two sizes bigger, friends who have permanent dark splotches on their skin, and friends who’ve seen their curly hair go straight and their straight hair go curly. I also have friends who are permanently crazy, (a.k.a “hormonal”)…oh yeah, and just about every single one of these things happened to me too.

And even with stretch marks….those carried a surprising little feature for me. I was admiring my belly in the mirror when I was about 7 months pregnant with my first…and ESPECIALLY admiring the fact that I had NO stretch marks on my stomach whatsoever (OK I was feeling downright cocky about it)…

But then…I went to turn around to hop into the shower and just happen to catch myself in the mirror… 

And I saw it. The tapestry of what looked like purple crayola marker ALL OVER my rear end. I’m talking like someone had hacked up my behind with a jig-saw, and I now had some 10 plus crazy purple scars to show for it.

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!!!

I had NO IDEA I was supposed to be on the lookout for stretch marks pulling up the rear. Goodness KNOWS I would have found a friend kind enough to rub jojoba oil in all of the necessary places had I only known. My cockiness faded quickly…sort of seeped out of me and left me with a puddle of humiliation and disgust.

THANK GOODNESS those stretch marks (though they like to stop by for every pregnancy) have faded decently well as most stretch marks do…but some things do not repair themselves so quickly.

I’m venturing into the territory of “boobage” here…PLEASE tell me you all know what I’m talking about. WHAT IS THE DEAL??? If you’re one of those women who’s breasts got larger when they were pregnant and they just magically “stayed that way”, then get off this blog right now, because I’m mad at you. And for those of you who elected to fix them surgically, I feel sorry for what you had to go through, but I am mad at you too.

For the rest of us, we are left with the war wounds of what used to be our femininity. I don’t think it has anything to do with whether you nursed your children or not. Apparently, just pregnancy alone can wreak havoc. Isn’t it funny that some people refer to this area of the body as “melons”??? (Well, for some of us, perhaps only tangerines or something nice like that). Either way, what would you call them now?? The closest fruit I can come up with is… banana… peels.

YES I AM TALKING ABOUT THIS!

And I’m fortunate enough to have several friends who are willing to admit their own battle scars, which makes me feel infinitely better that this is just a part of pregnancy, aging, and well, life. Maybe it’s pathetic that it helps me to know that other women go through this too but I swear, for a while there,  I thought I  just got totally SHAFTED and was the only one to suffer this horrible fate. So I find comfort that it’s not just me. In fact, I was just talking about this with a friend of mine the other day and she was kind enough to join in the conversation with this little fun fact – she said, “I have one word to describe what happens to a woman’s breasts after pregnancy”…

“ELBOW”.

Elbow?? I raised my eyebrows at her curiously, and then watched her extend her arm out in front of her (palm facing up) and grab the loose skin that dangled on her eblow. She said “THIS is what became of MINE after pregnancy”.

I almost peed my pants laughing.

And then I checked it out for myself. Yep, that’s about right…unfortunately and sadly, just about exactly right. Check it out yourself and PLEASE tell me if you relate! I personally have yet to hear a better or more fitting description…except perhaps putting a couple of melons (or tangerines) in the bottom of a pair of pantyhose and letting them dangle just a bit. Either one is pretty spot on.

Ahh…sigh. Why must we endure such horrible physical trauma, as if the stress of motherhood wasn’t enough??? Had I known I was saying goodbye to my pre-pregnancy body forever, I would have taken a picture or something. But I guess there’s not much we can do about it…except laugh. Which is what I’m choosing to do. Because, while I’ve heard that breasts can “bounce back” after we’re all done with pregnancy for a while,  I’m not banking on that. I haven’t really gotten a chance to see yet if that’s indeed true.  (hello! 3 kids in 4 years!) So thank goodness that no one else has to see my “vulnerable side”  except my husband and he’s kind enough to love and embrace me completely just the way I am. I figure if he can, then I should too. We are BEAUTIFUL, inside and out…elbow skin and all.

Right girls?!

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