OK so I have some things to work out with myself here today. I’m having one of those days where the busyness of the last few weeks has completely crept in and taken over. I suddenly feel pushed to my margins and had to call out an S.O.S. to my mom to help me or I was going to lose my mind…or someone else was going to lose an arm or other important body part. Someone was going to lose something.
Do you have moments like that? I don’t feel like I LIVE in a place of constant frazzle and exhaustion. If that were the case, I’d need to work on that. Because no matter how tough motherhood gets, we should be able to find joy in it much of the time. And I think I do. BUT…there are just times when life compounds on itself and a particular series of unfortunate events occurs, and you just find yourself pushed further than your capabilities.It kind of comes out of nowhere for me. I’m doing fine, handling it all, and then BLAMMO! And in those moments, there is NOTHING I want more than to just be ALONE.
I don’t want to be a mom, I don’t want to be a wife, I don’t want to be a daughter. I don’t want to be responsible, I don’t want to cook dinner, I don’t want someone coming to me about a boo-boo, a broken toy that needs fixing, or a complaint that someone hit someone else. I don’t want to hear any more whining. I don’t want any interrupted conversations. I don’t want Yo Gabba Gabba blaring in the background when I’m trying to talk on the phone JUST 5 MINUTES with a friend who desperately needs my time and attention. I don’t want to step on 5 cheerios on my way to the bathroom or spend half my morning trying to open a bag of fruit snacks. I just want a beach, a book, and peace and quiet. I want the ability to complete a sentence, a bathroom break, and a meal.
Some days I just really wish I could be a 30 year old woman and not a mom.
Of course I feel guilty about this. And sometimes it feels like it’s hard to explain to anyone, including myself, that it’s OKAY. I know I’ll wake up tomorrow and feel fine again. I don’t need a life overhaul, a new outlook, or therapy (well not for this anyway). I just need a BREAK. Just a few hours to myself to be able to check out and RE-SET.
But do you find that when you do get a break, you worry so much about how to best utilize this precious time in the most efficient manner to set yourself up the best way possible for the next few days until you get the next break?! Sometimes, I spend so much time stressing out about how to spend my breaks that they don’t even feel like breaks! Because if I spend it doing something I love, I worry about all the other stuff I could be getting done. And if I spend it doing the stuff I should be getting done, then I feel regretful later that I didn’t take that opportunity to just sit and relax. And most of the time I don’t realize what it was I really should have done until the break is over and it’s too late!
GRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is stupid.
Frankly, there are just some days when I wish I could turn the world off – the ENTIRE world – and just do whatever the crap I felt like doing. That’s it.
But when you’re mom, you RARELY have the luxury of doing that. I remember when my husband sent me away to a spa for two days to do do whatever I felt like doing (which, in this instance, ended up including lots of yummy spa treatments). It was AMAZING.
And do you know the part that stood out to me the most? There was this moment where I was in between treatments….I had just finished my mud wrap and wasn’t due for my facial for two hours. (OH what I wouldn’t give to have that WHOLE last sentence be a much more prominent part of my daily conversation). Anyway, it was the WEIRDEST feeling to be sitting there, wondering what on earth to do with myself for the next two hours. And my choices were pretty limited. Do I go get dinner and eat it down in the restaurant or should I order in from my room? Do I soak in the hot tob for a while with a magazine or do I go upstairs and read for a bit? What a life! I’m actually jealous of myself as I type this. But the COOLEST part was that no matter what I decided, I didn’t even have to tell anyone. I was completely and utterly responsible for NO ONE other than myself. No one was waiting for me, no one needed me home by a particular time. No one in my family even really knew where I was or what I was doing in that exact moment. It was THE BEST feeling.
IF that doesn’t show you how tough motherhood is, I don’t know what does. We don’t even know what it’s like to make one single solitary decision that doesn’t greatly affect the lives of at LEAST two other people around us at all times. We are constantly tied to EVERYONE all the time. Every thing we do matters to someone else. Oh just to have a moment where no one cared what the heck I was up to. OOOOHHH!
Some days, I just want to feel like that. I don’t want to have to be responsible for a single human being besides myself. And I really kind of want the choice to be irresponsible with myself too if I feel like it.
Do you guys ever feel like that?! What would you pick to do if you could “stop” being a mom for just one day?
Yes, yes, yes! I know exactly what you mean. Every single word of it (except for the spa part… I’ve never done that). I’ve tried explaining to my darling husband why I go into “overwhelmed meltdown” once every few months. He just doesn’t seem to understand. Apparently it’s just a mom thing, huh? So glad I’m not alone.
Sometimes I go for a pedicure. And the toenail polish is the least of it. It’s just wonderful to have someone rub my feet! But since I am a mom/multi-tasker (somewhat interchangeable terms) I take a book to read, which is also a luxury. (What does that say that I feel guilty reading a book?) I force myself to stop reading during the foot and leg massage since that’s why I’m really there. It’s a short holiday, but it’s worth it.
Betsy – I love it. The leg and foot massage is by FAR the best part. I went to a spa once where they used this stuff that was cool to the touch. It doesn’t sound like it would feel good but it was AWESOME.
Kim – you are SO not alone!
My hubby doesn’t really get it either. That’s OK though – that’s why mom have each other!
Thank you! Now I don’t feel like I should head to the funny farm when I feel this way! I dont think hubbys are programmed to get it no matter how hard they try. So it’s not wrong to be a little fearful of the kids being home all summer long?!
Oh goodness – no! I totally get it. I will pray for you
In the great words of Michael Jackson, “You are not alone”! I feel like I need a nice long vacation in the insane asylum some days or I am like is Jail really that bad? They leave you a lone you don’t have to clean and you have a chef cable tv and I could get a diploma? I have these days where I am totally fine and I am like oh this is great la la la storybook love being a mom butterflies and lollipops smile and rainbows. But then on a regular basis there is this dark cloud of mommy maniac that hangs over me and it is absolutely draining. The minute things start to spiral out of control it’s all at once of course. I hear where’s my shoes, she hit me, I need a clean shirt, I have snack today, what’s for dinner, did you get a gift for madison’s birthday, he yelled at me, I don’t like that, wahhhhh, Can you stay till 7 today? and then I snap. I get dizzy and start to see spots, my head does like 4 rotations and green stuff comes out of my mouth. I shut down and eat chocolate, turn off my phone, shed some tears, and just lay there. Of course eventually I get over it and then feel guilty that I wasn’t a good mom for about 2 days. I don’t wear your shirt! Why didn’t tell me before tdoay?! I don’t want to hear it!!!! I just wish this didn’t have to occur so regularly, it’s draining. I better be raising the next Bill Gates or something.
HA HA HA! Liz, you are hilarious! I feel like you just wrote out a synopsis for my life LOL