The Joy of Motherhood?

OK. So up front I am going to ask many of you for forgiveness. I am a little afraid I’m going to offend somebody in this post, and it is CERTAINLY not my intention. Let me make it VERY clear that what follows is just MY opinion and what happens to be true for me. I understand there will be plenty of mothers out there who feel very differently from me and that is OK. Please know I wish I could feel the way you do…but I don’t. BUT this whole blog started with a temper tantrum and it’s lookin’ like it’s high time for another one. I have no idea what I’m about to write or how it’s all going to come out, but I think it’s time to let the cat out of the bag.

The cat’s name is, “I’m not enjoying motherhood”.

There. I said it.

(GASP! WHAT did she just say?! )

I feel naughty even writing those words. Like I’ve broken some secret mother covenant code. Didn’t we all sign a waiver when we brought our kids home, promising that we will find motherhood “fulfilling and wonderful”? And you just aren’t supposed to ever go against that. After all, if you don’t find it fulfilling, you must be doing something wrong. Change your perspective. Stop being selfish. Recognize the “AMAZING calling that motherhood is”.

YEAAAAHHHH….Ever since my firstborn was delivered to us via shocking surprise, I made the decision to embrace motherhood. While it was a little jarring, I did my best to shift gears and go after my new calling with all the gusto my fat, pregnant body could muster. An over-achiever by nature, I took the bull by the horns. I gave up my corporate job and turned into a mommy in just a matter of months. You’ve all read what happened next. I quickly got exhausted and realized that motherhood was much harder than I expected.

So I worked on letting go. I decided I wasn’t going to have a spotless house and that dirty dishes didn’t mean I had failed. I’ve spent much of my time on this blog bragging about great achievements such as letting my windows get streaky and growing fuzzy stuff in my toilet.

But I’ve still held onto the deep-rooted belief that, while motherhood isn’t about a clean house or being Martha Stewart, it is about SOMETHING. There IS some point to all of it isn’t there? If it’s not a clean house, it’s happy kids. If it’s not a toilet that’s scum-free, it’s raising kids who aren’t scum-BAGS. Something. There has to be some reason to get up every morning and feel like there is a purpose for it all. Recognizing that many mothers feel this way, the world is quick to offer us some suggestions for purpose. Perhaps you’ve heard these messages that say things like:

“There is nothing more important than being a mother”.

“It’s the highest calling a person can have”.

“There’s nothing harder…but nothing more rewarding”.

Even Oprah Winfrey says it’s the “harest job on earth to do well”. Then there’s the Christian perspective that takes it one step further and tells us things like:

“We mothers are raising little world-changing warriors.”

“There’s no telling what these kids will grow up and end up doing for God!”

“You could be raising the next Billy Graham for goodness sake!!! ”

“Don’t undersestimate the influence you’re having on the world!!!!”

Seems like all around us people are trying very hard to convince us of the importance we’re having on the universe by being “just a mom”. Haven’t we all been corrected AT LEAST once when we’ve said, “I’m just a mom”. Don’t you dare think of it that way, the world tells us. It’s HUGELY important!! I found this statement in some random article  that took me about two seconds to find: 

 “Motherhood is the most important job you will ever have and saying so is nothing to be ashamed of….helping that child to realize their own potential and to grow into a happy, healthy and well-adjusted adult is very hard work and yes, sometimes you will have to give up things in order to do it correctly”

OK OK. We’ve all heard it. Nothing more important, rewarding, fulfilling, blah blah blah. I think it’s been beat into us pretty loud and clear that this is supposed to be the most amazing thing we will EVER do.

So what happens when it isn’t?

I respect the person who wrote the quote above for saying that it shouldn’t be shameful to admit that motherhood is the most important job we’ll ever do. Frankly though, I think we all get that part. I think we find it shameful to admit when we think it ISN’T.

Granted, I’m not in the best position to be evaluating my life, as I’m just beginning to recover from months of sleepless nights, while dealing with a strong-willed 19 month old who decided to cut all four molars at the same time. My daughter also JUST MISSED the cut-off date for kindergarten which means I have spent yet another year with all three kids at home…bringing me to almost 6 years of raising children with no real break. (And to think I was once considering home schooling?!)

But while my sanity might not be completely in check, it rarely ever is so evaluate I must. And here’s my dirty little secret:

Despite what everyone says about motherhood being fulfilling, I’m simply not finding that to be true…in the way I’ve been going about it anyway. I’ve definitely had moments of pure enjoyment, but as I reflect over the past six years, I’ve spent a majority of my time trying to figure it all out. And to be completely honest, the past year has been a challenge just to pull myself out of bed. And yesterday morning, I hit a new low. I woke up so miserable that I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I served up as many pb&j’s as I could,stacked them on the counter, turned on Sesame Street, and then crawled back into bed. I am embarrassed to admit that, but it needed to happen…because it got my attention and led me to call my mom saying, “WHAT AM I DOING?!

I am a FIGHTER. This discontment has been knocking at my door for a long time but I have fought to change my thinking, try harder, shift my perspective, and really DO this motherhood thing. What am I missing? Why does everyone else seem to love this so much???? Why don’t I? Of course I know that motherhood is hard work and supposed to teach us about being selfless and how to sacrifice. I’ve prayed desperately for the servant heart that I need to do that well. I’ve begged God for gratitude. I’ve begged God to help me see whatever it is that I’m missing. But it seems I’m getting worse and not better.

Sure I have moments. I LOVE my kids. I find that I can enjoy them immensely in certain situations. Visiting wtih family, taking them to do something new, watching them explore a different situation. I have had TONS of wonderful moments with my kids over the years. But  it’s the mundane, humdrum, daily routine of Barney and storybooks that I’m finding harder and harder to pull meaning out of. And somewhere the scales have  tipped greatly to where the boring moments seem to be overtaking the miracle moments.

Wondering if I was alone in this, I asked a question on my facebook page. “Do you really enjoy motherhood and find it soul-filling?” The responses were not what I was hoping for, though definitely what I expected.

My friends said things like, “The thought of having to be at work vs. home makes me sick to my stomach so I think that’s a good thing. It makes me happy, but most importantly it makes me VERY lucky”.

Or, “I am in Heaven! I do love waking up every morning and am so thankful for this opportunity, because I know it won’t last forever.”

Or this one really killed me: “LOVE IT!!! There are moments I want to fire myself, but compared to the alternative…this is a dream come true! And these days with my little ones are fleeting fast, and it is such a blessing to get to enjoy them every day, even if it’s just for the few minutes God reminds me to stare in amazement at His creations on loan to me!!”

Please – to my friends who were kind enough to post these things, don’t be mad at me for using you as examples! I am truly happy you feel this way!!! BUT I don’t understand why I don’t.  I am not satisfied with just a few minutes where I stare in amazement. The other 9 hours of the day make me want to poke my own eyes out. And two of these women expressed that it’s better than the alternative. I, too, have often stated that I “wouldn’t trade this for the world”.  And I mean that. Compared to the alternative, I’d much rather be home with my kids than see them raised by someone else. But are those the only two choices?  I’d much rather be HAPPY being home with my kids, than staying home because it’s “the best thing to do”. Frankly, if someone told me it was the best thing for my kids for me to work full time, I think right now I’d be relieved.

I drive a mini-van for crying out loud. Not even a cool one. A 2003 Ford Windstar wtih a VHS player. What happened to me?! I read some article a while ago that says that the vehicle you drive says a lot about the person you are. Well if that’s the case then I’m outdated, irrelevant, and a complete mess inside.

That’s about right.

Lately, every time I’ve crawled into that minivan, full of cheerios and books, french fries…oh yeah, and little human beings, I try to remind myself that there is some great purpose in this. That I’m supposed to realize that this life is transcending all of these mundane things. That somehow this is all of great importance, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I’ve grasped and squeezed every little bit of profundity I can out of the day to day, trying to glean meaning from the mundane and make miracles out the ordinary. But the more I work to squeeze out some meaning, the more it slips through my hands like sand.

I recently threw a baby shower for a friend of mine. There were many moms there who I adore, and I was really enjoying conversing with all of them. But suddenly I felt my heart grow uneasy as I sat in the living room of my suburban home, eating dainty finger food and chit-chatting with other women about what a great school district I live in and how there is a wonderful soccer program at the park district. I watched everyone chime in excitedly and inside my stomach was turning. Now, these are Godly women. I KNOW they have much more important things in their lives than this stuff…but in that moment, it felt like I didn’t…and it scared me to think of this being “it”.

The fact that we were even discussing this stuff made me want to evaporate. I felt like I could literally feel my soul shriveling. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited I live in a good school district. I’m excited my daughter will get to play soccer. I’m excited that I live in such a beautiful home. I’m excited that God has blessed me with just about anything one person could ask for: healthy kids, a great husband, a wonderful church, amazing family and friends, financial peace and security.

And it’s still not enough?  Of course I know that as a Christian, it’s not supposed to be enough. I’m absolutely NOT supposed to find meaning in all of those above things. It’s all about God. So I’ve worked hard to keep that perspective. I’ve worked to put God into everything I do. I attend bible studies, I pray, I talk about God constantly…and I try to see my job as a mother as something deeply spiritually meaningful – God’s calling for me on my life. And that is still not enough. Now I feel really guilty. What else is there?

I want so bad to emrace this as some spiritual calling and really excel at it.  I envy those mothers who wake their kids up with praise music and read them bible stories. For cyring out loud, I have a friend who stops her kids in the middle of temper tantrums and prays for them. When MY kids have temper tantrums, it’s all I can do to sit on the couch and pray for MYSELF.

The truth is, as hard as I’m trying to incorporate motherhood into my spiritual calling, it feels like it goes completely against my hard-wiring. I truly do not feel cut out for this. Messes make me anxious, the voices on children’s CD’s make me squirm, the physicality of it is KILLING me (I am NOT athletic at ALL), and kids’ storybooks are far too long and induce WAY too much question-asking. Lately all if it is making me want to scream. 

I also hate being alone. I have a deep need to be with people. I feel like I was supposed to raise kids in a village in Africa somwhere. At least all the moms are doing together! Truth is, I enjoy my kids 100% more when I’m enjoying them WITH other people. But that’s not the normal life of a stay-at-home mom. Most of us are raising our kids alone MOST of the time. So why would God call me to do something that’s soooo not meant for my personality?? If anyone else felt the way I do in any other type of job, we’d tell them to QUIT!

My hard-wiring has not changed just because I’m a mother, and I have almost literally collapsed by the guilt I feel about this. I’ve tried to suppress it and in some great act of selflessness, push through and find a way to pretend to enjoy myself for the sake of my kids. But how I can I talk about an authentic life and being transparent and then “fake it” all day long with my own children? Don’t they deserve to see our true selves as mothers? Won’t they do better to see what REALLY makes me happy and fulfilled instead of me just pretending that all of this is working for me?

I know the other thing exacerbating all of this is that I am truly exhausted. I  feel a little  pushed to the margins. My self-pity day in bed yesterday was ignited when a bowl of oatmeal was thrown at me by my charming toddler. I am so worn out that I couldn’t handle even one tiny act of insubordination (though it was a pretty good one I’ll admit). I know I need a good long break. I would give anything to get a vacation right now! I know I need more time with my God so he can restore my soul and I’m working on scheduling time to do that. Exhaustion blurs our perspective, and I need to be more aware of when I’m running out of gas. Only God can restore our weary souls. I’ve been aching for more time with Him and I know that THAT is definitely a part of the remedy. I’m going on a mini-retreat tomorrow to spend some much needed time in prayer. Maybe I’ll gain some new perspective after a little refreshment.

BUT I also know that, when I’m honest with myself, this is a feeling that has plagued me for a long time. I don’t think it’s going to just go away. I feel like no amount of prayer or pleading with God is going to change how He wired me. Didn’t He wire me that way for a purpose?And isn’t there such a thing as HOLY discontenment? Doesn’t God sometimes make you uncomfortable so that you will move?

I know this kind of emptiness can often lead us looking for fulfillment in the wrong places. I DON’T want to do that. I was saddened by this article. This mother admitted to feeling a lot like I do but her remedy for it included, “take your mom to the spa, buy yourself a fancy string of pearls, and hide wine in sippy cups at the next playdate”. Perhaps her suggestions are supposed to be a little tongue-in-cheek, but then where’s the real advice? What are moms supposed to do with they feel this way? How do they avoid the temptation of filling the emptiness with wine, affairs, or the Lifetime channel? Because that’s what many of us are doing.

I heard somewhere that when we’re sad we always think it’s because of what we’re not getting…when it’s really about what we’re not giving. And I am trying to consider that. It’s an opposite way of thinking, but everything about Jesus was upside down. He talked about things like, ” The last are the ones who are first” and “to find your life you have to lose it”. The more we try to fill ourselves, the more empty we’re going to get. To get a full cup, you actually have to pour yourself out. So I don’t want to solve this problem of emptiness with the “logical” idea of getting more of something. I need to pour more OUT. And THAT’s an answer that would be in line with my faith.

I have gotten mixed up thinking that I was “pouring myself out for my kids” but the truth is, they don’t need me all that much. They are thriving, happy and loved. They have things that many other kids don’t have. They are blessed beyond measure. Perhaps we’re all growing a little stagnent and weighted down by all of this blessing….because we’re not giving it back out?  While I think being a mother is an amazing gift to give, there is also an extremely impoverished world out there. What if there is some way to love my kids by loving others? What if I can stop talking to them about Jesus and actually show them?

I started to write this blog earlier today, then had to hop in the car. On my way, back home tonight, I turned on my favorite Christian radio station to a speaker who, of all things, was talking about priorities and how Christians are supposed to live. He reminded me of a verse I know well that states, “Do not be conformed by the patterns of this world but instead, be transformed by the renewing of your mind”. He then went on to say that many Christians are living unfulfilled lives because they are following everyone’s else’s formula… and it doesn’t work. We need to be different and think differently. Our goal isn’t to raise happy and successful kids but to raise HOLY kids. Are we going about this God’s way or the world’s way?

What does it look like to raise holy kids? Holy literally means “set apart”. We are to be diferent. As the radio speaker also stated “not to be some weird, religious freaks” but to live lives that show something DIFFERENT than the world. Are we mothers allowed to dare to dream that perhaps we were created for something even greater thanthe world’s version of motherhood??? Can we even conceive that God might have more? Maybe there actually is more to life than than my little bubble and my little family…and whether Mackenna gets to play soccer or make homecoming court.

Maybe even reading Bible stories at night isn’t enough either.

Can I dare to dream that my kids going to be OK if my world doesn’t revolve around them but I instead teach them that our lives are to revolve around others? Maybe I’ll raise more balanced children if they see a mom who dedicates her time and attention to those in greater need than themselves? Our culture is turning out entitled kids by the handful. My husband and I feel like we are both a product of of that. (No offense to either of our mothers! It’s just the way the world teaches mothers to parent). But  maybe mothers shouldn’t be breaking their necks making their kids think that their whole world and purpose is all about them.

I’m praying through all of this and trying to figure out what God might be trying to show me. I’m trying to stop fighting against something that simply isnt’ there for me. I’ve been feeling so guilting for feeling like I’m missing this “mom gene”! But I know I don’t hate being a mother. I think I just  hate being a mother in the way I’ve been doing it. I really want to reiterate that this is NOT a slam against moms who feel happy and fulfilled doing the everyday. You are heroes. And I don’t want to imply that the calling of motherhood is at ALL small or mundane. It is a GREAT importance. But for me, it just doesn’t carry the weight. I’m finding much of my day is missing my heart. No matter how hard I try to find significance in play dates and trips to the park, it all feels terribly meaningless to me. I feel like I’m supposed to be expressing myself as a mother in some other way.

I LOVE my kids. I know I do. I want to be a good mother SO BADLY. I have been trying so hard to do that because my kids deserve it.  I know God has a purpose for me that absolutely includes my kids…but maybe it’s not ALL about my kids.  Maybe He has something that will somehow match the heart he’s given me. Maybe He’ll show me a way to raise my kids in a way that makes sense for how He made me. Maybe there really is more than what I’ve been doing everyday. My husband and I are praying about going on a mission’s trip in the Phillipines in August. Maybe God is preparing me for something???

I don’t know. I’ll let you know when I find out