Potty Like a Rockstar

My two oldest kids are 6 and 4, but being that my four year old potty trained himself (no joke), I feel REALLY out of touch with the latest potty training methods. Frankly, I’ve been so busy just trying to keep my youngest from meltdowns that potty training hasn’t even crossed my mind. By now, I can change a diaper in three seconds with my eyes closed, so it hasn’t really bothered me. It’s a much bigger hassle trying to squeeze three kids AND a full cart into a tiny stall in the middle of Marshalls because someone “HAS TO GO NOOOOOOOWW”.

Public restrooms host a myriad of threats when you are in the company of small children, not the least of which is a child’s choice for spontaneous audible commentary on the activities of perfect strangers in the stall next door:

“Mom, is that lady POOPING?”

“Oh my. Honey, that’s not…”

“But it SOUNDS like she’s POOPING. I think she’s POOPING!”

Luckily, this induced a small giggle from the GRACIOUS perfect stranger in the stall next door. THANK GOODNESS.

And has ANYONE figured out how to plop a small child onto a toilet seat in JUST the right way so that the 9 rolls of toilet paper you carefully laid out don’t slide right into the bowl??? I know some of you moms are really together and bring a litlte potty seat out on the go with you. Props to you. I never wanted to carry a mom-purse big enough to accommodate junior plumbing equipment.

Finally, it’s the moment of truth. It’s so quiet you can cut the tension with a baby wipe. Eyes look expectantly upward as though the power to tinkle is coming from the sky, and everyone holds their breath waiting for the sound of success.

“I guess I don’t really have to go“.

Let’s just say I MISS changing diapers in those moments.

BUT they say when your little person decides to “show interest” in the potty, it might be time to start training. Lately, he’s been going into the bathroom, flushing the toilet, then proclaiming “I go potty!”

The next time we were out at the store, we bought an Elmo potty that made a flushing sound when you pull the handle and a three pack of 2T underwear…which might be the most adorable piece of little person clothing EVER.

I am so mad at myself for not getting it on video…The moment he put those “big boy pants” on for the first time, he ran around our living room like a grown-up who just won Mega Millions.

We tried to explain to him that he was going to have to go potty in his Elmo potty if he wanted to keep them on. He was very excited to pull the handle to hear the flushing sound but showed no interest in sitting on it. Now we have a boy in big boy pants running around our living room showing NO desire to put his butt in that little chair.

I didn’t want to have to do this, but I employed a technique that worked for my daughter when we went through this with her.

“If you sit on the potty, you’ll get some m&m’s!!!”

Honestly, it’s hard to say what happened next because it all went down so fast. But…in a matter of what felt like seconds, he had peed all over the living room floor and was crying for candy.

Poor buddy seemed completely freaked out at the strange liquid running down his leg. He just stared down in horror, feeling what I can only imagine was some sense of betrayal by his own body.

I only had to think of how I felt when my water broke to completely sympathize. Poor guy.

We cleaned up, put a diaper on him, and then spent the rest of the night trying to explain that the M & M’s were a potty treat. I’m pretty sure he was pretending not to understand that part, but the world may never know. Then we spent even more time trying to decide if we should give him the M & M’s anyway…but stuck to our guns that they needed to be reserved for true potty sitting.

We DID praise him for putting on the big boy pants – that was a big step afterall. But he now shows zero interst in wearing them. To him, they are just diapers that don’t work very well.

All in all, it was a giant FAIL. And maybe even two steps backwards. I was reminded how tough potty training really is – maybe even tougher than the bathroom trips to Marshall’s. What was I thinking?? I mean, I need to do some serious RESEARCH. You can’t just plow into battle like that, swinging your sword around hoping something’s gonna stick. Potty training is no joke. I need a strategy – a master plan.

So anyone have potty training tips they wanna share? I’m more than happy to accept advice!  Maybe I can try again this summer when he can run around the backyard naked. For now, I think I’m going to go back to my happy place in Diaper Land