Football…

OK. I have another confession to make: I don’t get football.

This is definitely to the detriment of my  poor husband, but I really don’t get it. I don’t know how I can be raised in the midwest, attend a big-ten university, and marry a football-lover and still just NOT understand the game.

In my defense, God did not create me with a natural bent towards the athletic arts. When I play volleyball, I spend more time with my head ducked in between my elbows than actually making hand-to-ball contact. And my parents have a video tape of me playing softball when I was seven… I am actually styling my hair in right field. Sad thing is,  I thought I was so good because my coach put me out in the field because of my “nice, strong arm”. Too bad I didn’t learn until years later that you don’t need a strong arm when you’re dealing with seven year olds, and right field is really where you stick the losers. That’s OK…I excelled in ballet and tap dancing – you know, the REAL sports.

Anywho. I told my husband that watching football – for me – is LITERALLY like staring at a blank wall. I can’t make sense of anything in front of me and therefore, I might as well be looking at nothing. He really hates that I can’t sit and watch games with him…so we thought it would be a great idea to try to teach me how it all works. Since we have TIVO, he figured we could watch a game, and he could walk me through everything that’s happening. He said I could ask him as MANY questions as I need to. He can pause it, explain what happened and then we can continue watching. This sounds like such a good idea in theory…my poor husband had no idea what he was dealing with. Besides the fact that it took us 6 hours to get through a game, I think I was asking all the wrong questions.

1. Why does the coach look so mad? Is he upset like that all the time? He should be a better example for his players.

2. Is that number 32 guy married? He looks like a nice guy.

3. Do the football players get to pick out their own shoes or do they all have to get the same kind? What if they don’t want the kind everyone else picks?

4. Why do those orange guys keep slapping each other on the butt?

5. Oh I think that guy is totally faking being hurt. Seriously, do you think he’s just laying there like that because he doesn’t feel like playing anymore since he’s losing?

6.  How come that team has almost the same colors as the other team? Isn’t it a rule that you can’t pick colors that someone else has?

7. How old is that ref? How do you get to be ref? Do you have to be a football player to be a ref? Does he get tired from running around like that at his age? I wonder who decided referees have to dress like that. Isn’t it funny that they ALL wear black and white, no matter what the sport is? Thank goodness those stripes are vertical.

8. Why would they make their helmets gold if their uniforms are technically yellow? What are their colors – gold or yellow?

9. So that guy doesn’t do anything except just kick a ball every once in a while? How much does he get paid for that?

10. Isn’t there a rule about having dred-locks hanging out from under your helmet? Gross.

11. Why are there so many baseball games and so few football games?

12. Why do some guys put long sleeved shirts under their uniforms but others don’t? Aren’t they cold?

13. Oh my goodness, they are so dirty. Do they get brand new uniforms every game or is there a really good laundry person? OOH! Do they get new shoes each time too? That’s got to cost a ton of money. Seriously, replacing nikes EVERY single game for EVERY single player?! Ludicrous. Just ludicrous.

14. Do you wish I looked like those cheerleaders?

We haven’t watched another game together since. I don’t know what went wrong.