The Joy of Motherhood Part 2

First of all, THANK YOU for all of the awesome responses I got in regards to my last post. I was so encouraged by those of you who were kind enough to take time to say “me too”. It makes me feel so much better just to know that I’m not completely alone in some of these feelings. For those of you who didn’t message me, maybe it’s because you’re sitting in your living room judging me…and that’s OK too

Anyway, I’ve had more time to think on some of these things the past couple of weeks…and, thanks to my very concerned Dad, was challenged to clarify exactly what this rant was all about. In talking with him… and my dear husband…and my mom…and my other dear friends…and anyone else who will listen…I have a TINY bit more clarity. TINY bit. I’m still putting pieces of the puzzle together and I’m sure I have a long way to go.

I also know that, while I heard from so many of you who share similar struggles, it was for very different reasons. So I can only assume the solutions are going to be very different. So from this point on, I’m just speaking from what is true for me. What follows here is mostly for my own benefit because writing helps clarify things for me. BUT…if you get something out this too, that is AWESOME-sauce.

The first thing to clarify…this is NOT about my kids. I know I’ve said it before, but I genuinely LOVE my kids. And I’ll go even further than that…I think deep (DEEP) inside, I love all kids. I surprised myself this weekend when I went to visit my old college girlfriend and found myself the object of affection of her 9 year old daughter. I don’t know what it is, but kids have always been drawn to me. I’ll be blunt – I never cared much for this in the past. I didn’t get why the heck kids liked me so much. But I found myself truly enjoying the connection I made with this sweet little girl. It was a good reminder that the problem does not lie anywhere with my kids or kids in general. For some strange reason, kids and I get along well.

The second thing to clarify is that I am not enjoying motherhood sometimes. I cant’ say that I’ve never enjoyed it, or that there haven’t been good seasons. Most of what I’m feeling has been a continual, slow-growing itch for something… but it only really erupted into this kind of full-blown disdain very recently. The coincidence that this eruption has taken place after a long winter full of sleepless nights is not lost on me. I’m taking that into consideration. 

I say all that to re-establish my sanity…if that’s possible. HOWEVER, despite any efforts for me to completely regain a clear mental status, some craziness still remains…and I don’t think anything will change that. As all of the chatter and excuses for my emotions fall away, what remains still is this. I am not at all content with the WAY I’ve been doing “motherhood”. I don’t think I ever will be.

And, while some of my own personality flaws and circumstances could be contributing to my discontentment, I don’t think that’s all it is. I hope it has something to do with the fact that, as I grow in my faith and God changes my heart to align with His, I should become more discontent with a life that revolves around myself and even my kids.  When I read the Bible…when I really stop and think about what it means to be a Christian…how can I be satisfied when I feel like my life is incongruent with what I say I believe? How can I live another day without trying to reconcile the two? God has called us to a HUGE mission. Right before Jesus left his disciples, He told them that our mission as Christians is this: Love God with everything you’ve got and love your neighbor as yourself.

Am I really doing that?

I mean, am I REALLY loving the people around me? And loving them well? Did God say that simply being a good mother was enough??? Was the mindless shuffling between play dates and storytimes really what He had in mind when He purposed my life? He didn’t say, “Love me with all your heart and love your kids like crazy”. No, he talked about loving the WORLD. For God so loved the WORLD that He gave His only son. If He loves like that, aren’t I supposed to as well?.

One of my favorite songs has a line in it which goes like this: “Break my heart for what breaks yours. Everything I am for your Kingdom’s cause”. I have sung the words out at the top of my lungs for several years and meant every word. And for a long time, I never noticed much of a difference in my heart. I certainly didn’t notice it breaking for a whole lot other than for myself and the little inconveniences I have to face on a daily basis. “Dang this dishwasher…why does my floor have to be mopped EVERY DAY? Ugh. Life is so hard.”

Wow. That is disgusting isn’t it?! I mean, we Americans are spoiled brats and I’m the Captain of the team. God has given me so much –  SAVED ME FROM so much!!! How can that not move me to take some drastic action in order to give that love to others??  I don’t know how to listen to my children whine about their “gross” dinner without feeling frustrated that they have NO IDEA what other kids would give to eat that food. Just telling them about these kids is not enough. Didn’t all of our grandmas always remind us of other kids in other countries who don’t have anything to eat? But did we ever REALLY get it??? A lot of people talked to me about it…but I never saw anyone DO anything about it! Jesus said that the greatest love of all is to lay down your LIFE for your brother….

YOUR LIFE.

Throwing a few pennies at a telethon after a major disaster just doesn’t seem to cut it.

After my post last week, I picked up a book called Crazy Love. It’s been lying around our house for MONTHS and I had no idea what it was even about. Someone mentioned the name of the author and I recalled the book so I ran upstairs to grab it. I started reading it just a day or two after my last post. You can imagine my delight when I read the back cover describing the books contents:

“Have you ever wondered if we’re missing it? It’s crazy if you think about it. The God of the universe – the Creator of nitrogen and pine needles, galaxies and E-minor – loves us with a radical, unconditional, self-sacrificing love. And what is our typical response? We go to church, sing songs and try not to cuss. Whether you’ve verbalized it yet or not, we all know something is wrong. Does something deep inside your heart long to break free from the status quo? Are you hungry for an authentic faith that addresses the problems of our world with tangible, even radical solutions? Because the answer to religious complacency isn’t working harder at a list of do’s and dont’s. It’s falling in love with God. And once you encounter His love…you will never be the same. Because when you’re wildly in love with someone, it changes everything.”

I shouldn’t be surprised that this book landed in my hands at the exact right moment. God ALWAYS seems to do that. How AMAZING is He? And the inside of the book was even better!! I read it in one weekend, I couldn’t put it down. It helped me realize a lot of  things…

I’m still trying to put all the pieces together but my hope is that maybe, just MAYBE, the years I’ve spent falling in love with God is, in some small ways, changing my heart. My response to this is not always perfect. Instead of letting that invigorate me, I grow frustrated and even angry with my current situation. I am such a flawed human being! It’s really rather comical that God ever chooses to use us at all, let alone love us.  BUT I am hoping that my motives are at least correct?? I have a LOT yet to learn. But right now, I just pray that I can take this “discontentment” and, rather than letting it turn into frustration and a bad attitude, I can instead  let it drive me to God and inspire change. I would be really blessed if you’d pray that for me too.

I know many Christians will tell me that you can change the world right where you are. There are ways to love people while attending storytimes and playdates. I get that. NO different from the guy who is stuck in a middle-management job in corporate America being told that he is a minister to the guy in the cubicle next door. I get that too. I absolutely believe everyone has a corner of the world they are supposed to be loving. And I know it will look differently for everyone. But that’s just it – It looks differently for everyone. Some guy might be completely content shinging a light in his corporate job, while another is being called to ministry as the pastor of a church. We can’t assume that where we are is where we’re meant to be. And if we’re not finding a heart for what we’re doing, maybe we should be willing to dream that God is calling us to something different?! Even for us moms, do we dare think outside the box?? Forget what culture tells you…it’s herding us moms through the system like cattle. What does GOD say our lives are to look like? Are we doing it?!

My dream would be to find some way to spend my days with other moms, serving together alongside our children and making a small difference in the lives of other people. I have NO idea how to do that, but I’m praying for ideas. I know I need to be faithful in the little things first and recognize my role as a servant to those He’s entrusted me with NOW. But I really hope that I can find a way do that well, and then perhaps He’ll entrust me with more. I want God’s Dream, not the American Dream. The American Dream is a comfortable life with a little bit of God thrown in. That’s not good enough for me!  The American Dream isn’t saving anyone’s soul…in fact, I think it’s creating a dangerous world of self-sufficiency that actually blocks our need and dependence on God…the very thing that usually drives us to Him in the first place. And after all, “what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, yet lose his soul?” (Mark 8:36)

Here are more excerpts from this book that affirmed a lot of my blabbering last week. If anyone is “itching” like me in any way, pick it up and read it yourself! He explains things so much better than I can.

“Sure it’s fine and politically correct to believe in God, but to actually love Him is a whole different story. Yeah, it’s nice and generous to give to the needy at Christmas or after some disaster, but to sacrifice your own comfort and welfare for another may look like madness to a safe and undisturbed world”.

“The irony is that while God doesn’t need but still wants us, we desperately need God but don’t really want Him most of the time. He treasures and anticipates our departure from this earth to be with Him – and we wonder, indifferently, how much we have to do for Him to get by.”

“If life is a river than pursuing Christ requires swimming upstream. When we stop swimming, or actively following Him, we automatically begin to be swept downstream”. Or to use another metaphor…we are on a never-ending downward escalator. In order to grow, we have to turn around and sprint up the escalator, putting up with perturbed looks from everyone else who is gradually moving downward.”

“My suggestion as you think, make decisions, and discern how God would have you to live, ask yourself, “Is this the most loving way to do life?”

“The world needs Christians who don’t tolerate the complacency of their own lives”.

 Also, here are some of the lyrics to that beautiful song and the video posted below:

“Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen.

Show me how to love like you have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours

Everything I am for your Kingdom’s Cause

As I walk from earth into eternity.

http://youtu.be/AQGJdTpMUcU