All Things New

So I’ve been praying and thinking and thinking and praying…

It’s funny how, with a little time, a little prayer…and a LOT of hope and faith, things can become so much more clear. And how what once felt like total ambiguity and shades of gray can suddenly burst into rainbows of color. And how problematic obstacles can actually end up becoming just a new door to walk through…or a beautiful introduction to a new chapter of the same book. I can’t wait to continue the conversation I started in the past couple of posts, BUT that will be at another time. For now, I want to take a detour.

Because I have been learning some really great things…YET I have this annoying thing I do every time I learn something new – I often forget about what it took to get me there. I’ll have this new epiphany or get a new way to look at something and then suddenly I’ll completely negate my life prior to that point…as if nothing before this new moment really mattered. In a way, I completley dishonor the process that it took to get there.  

I rarely go back and read posts that I’ve written on this site. But I spent some time doing that tonight…and I got an interesting snapshot of my motherhood journey. I saw myself through the writings on this blog…and I was reminded what a beautiful journey it has really been. It has been TOUGH, but I like that I was able to laugh through it much of the time. Life needs to be laughed at…often.

This first stage of motherhood (the baby-rearing stage) has had many different seasons…some more challenging than others. This past winter marked a very difficult season for me – not the first and certainly not the last. But, like with all difficult seasons, I usually emerge with a new way of looking at life. I emerge with a new lesson learned – sometimes several new lessons. I emerge with a new sense of excitement and purpose and focus. I emerge a little more grown-up than I was just a little while before. Difficult seasons are an amazing opportunity for soul-searching, growth, and evaluation. If we don’t stop and evaluate sometimes, how will we ever learn anything new?

But what I often do and what I don’t WANT to do is dishonor the person I was before I learned that new thing.  As my mom always says, “you can’t know what you don’t know and you can only know what you know”. It’s true. It takes time to learn lessons…it takes failure and mistakes to learn best practices. I don’t need to write off my entire journey prior to the point of learning this new thing, as if I wasn’t “doing it right” before this day.

My very first motherhood temper tantrum  that I posted almost two years ago (I think?) was a result of one of those difficult seasons. But after that difficult season, I emerged with something new. I emerged with a desire to express my frustrations as a mom. I realized that motherhood was kinda funny and that I could get a lot of therapy by simply voicing the stuff that happens in my every day life. And so I started this website. I posted pictures of my kids and celebrated the funny moments. Many times, I did find a way to appreciate the mundane. And I experienced a lot of miracles. I joined a MOPS group and was even the guest speaker one day on the importance of community. I learned that I needed other moms to take this journey with me. And I found lots of them. I emerged with a new appreciation for the humor in motherhood…and in life. I even joined an improv comedy team.

That was two years ago. Now I am emerging from another difficult season (winters often do it for me). These past two years, I developed a greater desire for even more of God in my life. Thanks to an amazing church where I am blessed to attend, I have learned so much about God… and myself in light of Him. I found myself growing more passionate about things “other than motherhood”. That’s why I started my other site. The more time I spent with God, the more I wanted to talk about all the other stuff that was swirling around in my head…not just about the funny, motherhood moments.

And then this past winter things got really tough.

Shortly after the joy we felt moving into our new home, life circumstances quickly became pretty daunting, as I battled health issues, sleep deprivation, marriage struggles, and even a bout of moderate depression. My mom (and only family) in this area moved to another state 13 hours away. Life suddenly wasn’t so funny anymore and I lost my ability to laugh for a while. I stopped blogging for the most part, except for a few times where I posted on my “spiritual” site.

BUT…through that difficult season, I continued to pursue God, and He drew nearer to me than ever before. Ryan and I have been (and are still) involved in an intense small group that started in October. We wrote our life stories and read them out loud to each other. Our ENTIRE life stories. And, except for a few books we needed to read for our group, I have simply spent this winter with God and his Holy Word. Despite the battle I was having with depression, I resisted any kind of treatment…because it was driving me to Him. And that was worth it to me. I spent much of this winter physically exhausted, emotionally drained, and about at the end of my rope. But something was happening in me. As the pain of life’s circumstances drove me to God, something began to stir. I was beginning to see things in my life that no longer made sense. The nagging feeling that was once only that became louder and louder…. 

And, once again, I learned something new.

Now of course, right before I learned this new thing, I gave you Temper Tantrum Number 2. Perhaps all of my pivitol life moments will be ushered in with moments of childish ranting…I’ll have to learn to live with that. But like a farmer reaps a harvest only after months of toil and back-breaking labor, I, too, am seeing the ripe abundance that comes only after the difficult seasons. I am just beginning to put all the pieces together of this “new thing” I’m learning. But I definitely sense that I am getting ready to enter yet another new chapter in my life. Just like I learned two  years ago that it was important to laugh, I learned this past winter the joy of tears. I have a completely new outlook and perspective of motherhood that I didn’t have only a few months ago. This should not surpise me as Jesus himself said, “I make all things new”.

But as I started off saying in this post, I tend to dishonor the process it takes to get to these new places. Any time the veil is lifted from my eyes and my vision gets a little bit clearer or bigger, I tend to get frustrated with myself for the time I walked in the darkness and “smallness”. But it was walking that road that got me where I am. It was the difficult journey and the long winter that brought forth the spring.  My husband has a really cool shirt that says –

“Not all who wander are lost”

I need to remember that. I am so excited for this next chapter, but I want it to be a new chapter in the same book.  It’s all one continuous journey. And while the road may dip and turn, I am still simply moving forward.  This is not an “about-face” where I trash everything I’ve been doing up until this point and take a whole new direction. Rather, it’s just another bend in the road.

As I move forward and get a little more serious about my mission as a mother and Jesus-follower, I pray that I never forget the lesson I first learned on this site…that learning to laugh and celebrating the funny, mundane moments is a wonderful thing.  Afterall, isn’t that the way life is? The joy and the pain, bumping up next to each other as they walk hand in hand along the road. So I guess that’s going to be me…laughing through the pain and crying through the laughter. (Maybe I’ll finally feel permission to write it all in one place instead of keeping two websites!)

Not all who wander are lost. It just takes them a little longer to get wherever they’re going. And that’s OK….there are a lot of great things to learn along the way